I did LSD last night and let me tell ya whut. I realized a lot of things about myself. I obviously felt colors, saw sounds, and touched the stars but also discovered that I have .. like I have all three of those things just inside of myself. I realized that I am, spiritually, a very good noodle but I give in easily to peer pressure and that tarnishes my external.. image.
I can’t explain the experience without it sounding absolutely bonkers! I suppose I’d break it down as... riding a glow of raw humility.
I’ve been trying to finish three books before the semester begins. I always start one, get halfway, then begin another aaand the same with another. I don’t know why I’m like this but, whatever. Someone from Tumblr recommended The Forty Rules of Love to me last year and I started it maybe a week ago. This is technically book number four, and probably the only one I will finish. It is so0o0o0o good.
Why is it easier to fall in love with literature more so than an actual person? I’m always “talking” to many different people at once or none at all and when I choose just one person to “talk to”, it never lasts for long. Either everyone wants to be casual or I’m not feelin’ them enough to want to be serious. So this semester is dedicated to loving myself, my studies, my roommates, and close friends!
Don’t hate me when I tell you that I diiid end up telling that boy that I like him. We’ve been a “thing” but I can tell he just wants casual, which is totally okay. I dig the snuggles and sex. LOL.
I’m currently writing 2 papers; one about why my generation is just made up of a bunch of sad fuckin’ noodlebobs. The other is about the Black Plague and how it could have been averted using more efficient hygiene practices. But really though, the millennial generation is so sad for dozens of reasons; The Great Recession left us poor and in debt from honestly just breathing; The huge technological boom of the early 2000’s makes us nostalgic cry babies at any given moment! And the huge uproar in equal rights for black* trans* women* has left 18 to 30 year olds fighting to feel empowered through oppression.
And all of what is happening in the lives of my generation has me feeling empty but somehow, extremely on fire. I love this life I was given but I’m starting to feel stuck again. Like what is my purpose here? I am so teeny tiny, my dudes! Will I grow up to be that life-saving and successful college counselor that I am currently aiming to be? Or will I become one of them hippy dippiest, buried happily under sand somewhere along the shores of San Diego? You know, I like to think I can be both.
Anyways. There’s this song that precisely describes my shmood at of late.
I’ve been with Famous Sam’s for about a month now, working only weekends. It’s a little tough because I haven’t had much experience serving, especially in the sports bar environment. I have to thank my mama, my Grandpa, and life for giving me such an awesome personality to make up for where I lack in skill. Thankfully, I make such goooood tips! I made my whole rent in two nights! All of my bills have been caught up/paid on time, and today is my final court date because I can now afford that $250 diversion charge and start making payments to that $500 fine!
I’ve been seeing a guy who’s a year younger than me but so0o0o up my alley. I know, I know, he’s 19 and goes to the Uni here and I’m like am I actually wasting my own time buuut he’s a weird one.. Sometimes I catch myself saying dumb/insecure things like last night, we were doing homework and he asked if I’d like to go to a hockey party with him. I mentioned that I have court in the morning so I want to have fun, but he said we can just stay in so we continued homework and eventually cuddled on the couch. Aaaand being the timid baby deer that I am- said, “if you’d like me to leave, just say when” and he’s like “nope, no we’re chillin’.” So we moved from the couch to his bed and talked about our beliefs and traveling and what we’re doing in school vs what we want to do in life. Let’s call him Toota. He’s Egyptian, politically woke, music-savvy, and makes me laugh my ass off. It’s been maybe 3 weeks and I feel 2 out of 3 emotions at any given time!
- “Yo, what do you think you’re doing? We all know your mental health is in jeopardy. Like, are you being serious? Stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.”
- “You are so ready to date and love and be loved! Tell him how you feel, make things certain! You got so much love, let it overfloooow!”
- “Breathe. Remember the progress you have made and what it took to get here. Take it day by day and remember that you are enough”
I catch my breath when I start feeling too much of 1 or 2 and give myself the #3 pep talk. Because I am worth of love, I am enough for those who want me, I am okay. Besides boys and work; school is also going well! Oh, man. I get so happy lately.
Whale! Better start getting ready for court. See y’all later!